Description
Book SynopsisContemporary grandmothers are often marginalized from extended family life because social institutions and grandmothers themselves do not understand that they could be vital for working parents, for overactive children, for suicidal youth, indeed for many of the problems of modern grandchildren.
The genetics and hormones of older women have designed them to be vital family members, with patience and perspective that come with age and experience. In addition, biology helps directly via menopause. The grandmother hypothesis explains that human women, unlike almost any other living creature, experience decades of life after menopause, in order to make grandmothers available to their descendants.
Here, Kathleen Berger explores he role of grandmothers in the lives of their grandchildren. She uses real life examples to illustrate how grandmothers can best integrate themselves into the lives of their children’s families without overstepping. She explores the particular needs of each stage of childhood as they relate to grandmother involvement and input. Before a child is born, grandmothers need to attend to building a strong relationship with the future parents. In infancy, attachment and feeding are crucial. In early childhood, grandmothers need to follow the parent’s lead, remembering that a parental alliance is essential. In childhood, children need to be safe but not isolated, and both bullies and victims benefit from a grandmother’s support and assistance. In adolescence and emerging adulthood, grandmothers need to build direct connections and not avoid the difficult topics of sex, drugs, death, disease, and money. Throughout, elders need to learn technology, insuring that it fosters, not impedes relationships.
Problems in relationships are explained honestly and with insight. Among these are issues when three generations share a home, when parents get divorced, and when grandchildren rebel against parental authority. Throughout the work, both the joy and the complications of effective grandmothering are described. Whether you’re a biological grandmother, a trusted step-grandmother, or just a warm and trusted older woman with young ones in your life, you can be a vital force in the lives of future generations.
Trade ReviewA wide-ranging look at the world of grandmothers and grandmothering. Berger’s book is a personal, in-depth examination of the many roles that female grandparents can fulfill in a world of overmanaged children with so-called helicopter parents. . . . In order to help these grandmothers smoothly acclimate to modern family dynamics, Berger offers them humorous, insightful, and often richly autobiographical advice. However, anybody who has living grandparents will find the book compelling as well. She offers useful tips on being a supportive aide to a pregnant granddaughter (or granddaughter-in-law) and on being a reliable source of infant-rearing help. Berger also addresses urgent situations in which a grandparent’s intervention may become necessary. In general, though, she advocates being a 'steady anchor' for parents and grandchildren—both intimately connected and “above the fray” while offering invaluable support. Any reader who’s been blessed with a wonderful grandmother may find such notions to be self-evident, but Berger shores up her observations with anecdotes and a great deal of engaging research. . . . A valuable, compassionate consideration of female elders’ work and worth. * Kirkus Reviews *
. . .a helpful guide to being a grandparent that is jam-packed with useful ideas. . . Berger does not avoid tough topics, touching on divorce, suicide, drugs, sex, and plenty of situations that produce conflict. A myriad of quotes from grandmothers help bring the book’s lessons to life, while cartoons and charts also convey Berger’s messages. This is an exceedingly well-researched book—the length of the notes and bibliography sections reflects that—and a useful guide to grandmothers (and those soon to be) looking for a way to navigate unfamiliar waters. * Publishers Weekly *
Grandmother does not always know best. She can and should offer help and support, but she shouldn’t overstep. As a developmental psychologist, teacher, and, yes, a grandma, Berger encourages older women with beloved little ones in their lives to get involved but to follow the parents’ lead and to keep quiet. . . . This is an up-to-date, common-sense guide to being a good grandmother. * Booklist *
This book not only offers helpful advice for the Grandmothering journey but shares research and insight into the reasons and science behind the nature of Grandmothers and their importance. Personal stories keep the reader engaged and advice is backed up with facts, studies, and documentation. * Passing Down the Love blog *
Dr. Berger writes for women who, like herself, are drawn to their grandchildren not only with heart and soul, but also with brains, a political conscience, a scientist’s curiosity and precision, and a determination to be the grandmothers their children need. -- Rush D. Holt, PhD, CEO Emeritus, American Association for the Advancement of Science, former Member of Congress
Grandmothers, rejoice! Grandmothering is a roadmap for “rules” of the road for grandmothers of every ilk. It’s packed with solutions to strengthen your bonds and astute advice to help you through the inevitable pitfalls as your family grows and changes. The bonus: An understanding of your “cell-deep” connections to your children and grandchildren, be they infants, teens or adults. -- Susan Newman, PhD, author of "Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day"
Grandmothering is a must-read book for grandmothers and prospective grandmothers alike! Grandfathers will find it useful as well. Girded by a background in development psychology, Dr. Berger has combined in-depth research with down-to-earth examples of the challenges and joys of grandmothering from her own life as well as the lives of other grandmothers.
For example, when none of her four daughters appeared to have pregnancy plans as they passed the age when she had her first child, she blamed herself. What had she done wrong? Had she failed to project an image of joyous motherhood? Delving into the data, she realized that her situation was typical of the times. Fewer marriages, fewer babies being born, equals later grandmotherhood, if at all. Sobering data, but reassuring to all who despair of experiencing grandmotherhood.
Dr. Berger does an excellent job of defining the sensitive role of grandmother–she’s not the mother, but not simply a friend either. She points out ways to navigate between the extremes of being too involved and too far removed from the grandchildren and of respecting the dominant role of the parents. I loved the humorous example she gave of mistakenly packing dog treats wrapped in colorful paper in a grandson’s lunch and deciding as a result to “back off” and respect her daughter’s wish to control the food given to her son.
Dr. Berger does a thorough job of explaining how grandmothers can bolster the lives of their children and grandchildren in times of trial and stress, such as divorce, the addition of a new child, or the death or illness of a parent. But she also points out how she can enrich the lives of her grandchildren on an ongoing basis through her resources of time, money, and lifetime experience. In sum, what I wouldn’t give to have had access to this wise and informative book 22 years ago as I began my grandmother experience! -- Elizabeth Fletcher Crook, PhD; Retired Senior State Department Analyst, mother of 6 and grandmother of 24.
With great warmth and wisdom, Dr. Berger challenges stereotypes and offers guidelines and strategies for addressing common dilemmas. She synthesizes a wide range of research and blends key findings with personal stories to make a compelling book. -- Joan Zweben, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry; University of California, San Francisco
After practicing geriatric medicine for 30 years, I thought I knew almost everything about the grandmothers I treated. But, I was wrong. Professor Berger has written a book unlike any I have read in the field of geriatric health care issues. She has taken her own heartfelt experience as a grandmother and strengthened her observations with an extensive knowledge of the medical, psychological, and social science literature. I never knew so much material existed specifically looking at the role of grandmothers in our society. After reading this, nobody can ever take grandmothers for granted again. -- Alec Pruchnicki, MD
Table of ContentsContents
Preface
Dedication
Part I: Get up from the Floor
Chapter One: Excluded and on the Floor
What is Wrong?
Cohort and Culture
Grandmothers and Families
Chapter Two: Why Grandmothers?
The Paradox of Menopause
Evidence for Grandmother Hypothesis
Still True?
Chapter Three: Deep Within, On the Floor Again
Every Part of the brain
Genes, Selfish and Not
Oxytocin and Other Hormones
Chapter Four: Too Little Grandmothering
Some Care is Essential
Who is to Blame
Suing for Visitation Rights
Chapter Five: Too Much Grandmothering
Custodial Grandmothers
Three Generation Households
Finding the Balance
Part II: At every Age
Chapter Six: The Loving Couple
Lesson One: Keep Comments to Yourself
Lesson Two: Respect the Gatekeepers
Lesson Three: Recognize Linked Lives
Chapter Seven: The Pregnant Couple
Lesson Four: Quiet Fears and Anxieties
Lesson Five: Learn about Innovations
Lesson Six: Build Relationships Carefully
Chapter Eight: Birth and the Newborn
Lesson Seven: Remember the other people.
Lesson Eight: Recognize Birth as a Pivot
Lesson Nine: Prevent Postpartum Depression
Chapter Nine: Infants
Lesson Ten: Notice and Admire
Lesson Eleven: Avoid Attachment Wars
Lesson Twelve: Don’t Feed the Baby, Unless….
Chapter Ten: Young Children
Lesson Thirteen: Twelve: Avoid Assumptions
Lesson Fourteen: Accept Blame and Mediation
Lesson Fifteen: Discipline with Care
Chapter Eleven: School Children
Lesson Sixteen: Keep them Safe and Social
Lesson Seventeen: Protect Victims and Bullies
Lesson Eighteen: Help with Education
Chapter Twelve: Divorce and Grandchildren
Lesson Nineteen: Strengthen the Partnership
Lesson Twenty: Be a Steady Anchor
Lesson Twenty-One: Step into the Family
Chapter Thirteen: Adolescents
Lesson Twenty-Two: Navigate Changing Relationships
Lesson Twenty-Three: Reconsider Suicide, Drugs, and Sex
Lesson Twenty-Four: Learn Technology
Chapter Fourteen: Emerging Adults
Lesson Twenty-Five: Don’t Advise Settling Down
Lesson Twenty-Six: Explore Values with Words and Money
Lesson Twenty-Seven: Take Care of Health and Ability
Into the Future
References
Bibliography
Index
About the Author
