Search results for ""author geoff tibballs""
Gemini Books Group Ltd The Grumpy Old Gits Joke Book Warning They might die laughing
A collection of fun jokes for old folks who are young at heart, from bestselling humour author Geoff Tibballs
£9.04
Little, Brown Book Group The Mammoth Book of Jokes New edn
Quite simply, the greatest compendium of humour ever written! Even bigger and better than ever, The Mammoth Book of Jokes is the ultimate joke book - now revised and expanded to over 7500 entries. This endlessly entertaining collection covers everything you could ever think of, from Birthdays and Dogs to Mothers-in- Law and War. Plus epigrams, limericks, misprints and howlers, shaggy dog stories, politically incorrect jokes, toasts, pick-up lines and put-downs ...Extra new material for this bumper edition includes favourite celebrity jokes - specially chosen by the likes of Bill Clinton, Gordon Ramsay, Dustin Hoffman and Tony Blair - as well as no fewer than 2000 brand new jokes.
£14.99
Little, Brown Book Group The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes: Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up
With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis
£8.99
Michael O'Mara Books Ltd Are You a Grumpy Old Git? Quiz Book
For decades, experts have been puzzled by what causes many previously happy, carefree young men to become perpetual moaners as soon as they hit middle age. And now they have found it, uncovered the truth behind the Holy Grail of modern medicine: the grumpy gene.To discover whether you (or your loved ones) possess the grumpy gene, this quiz book has been devised to gauge your reaction to hundreds of different situations, from airport scanning machines that never work to parcel delivery men who choose to ignore the address clearly marked on the label and prefer to drop off your parcel at any random house in the vicinity. Points are awarded for each answer and your total score indicates where you rate on the grumpy scale. Wry, funny and wonderfully well observed, this quiz book gives you all the tools you need to test for the grumpy gene – in yourself or in the old git in your life. With questions relating to weather, work, travel, gardening, technology, relationships, family and law and order (to name but a few), no stone is left unturned to find the answer to that eternal question: Are You a Grumpy Old Git?
£9.99
HarperCollins Publishers The Olympics Strangest Moments Over A Century of the Modern Olympics
The Olympics'' Strangest Moments recounts the bizarre, controversial, heroic and plain unlucky from the first modern games in 1896 to the return of the games to their birthplace in Athens in 2004.The Olympics' Strangest Moments recounts the bizarre, controversial, inept, heroic and plain unlucky from the first modern games in 1896 to the return of the games to their birthplace in Athens in 2004 and up to the Beijing 2008 games. The world's greatest sporting occasion has been packed with unusual occurrences as well as creating unlikely heroes such as Dorando Pietri, who missed out on marathon gold after being helped over the finish line by over-anxious officials, and ''''Eric the Eel'''' from Equatorial Guinea who was acknowledged as the slowest swimmer in the history of the games.
£9.05
Little, Brown Book Group The Good, the Bad and the Wurst: The 100 Craziest Moments from the Eurovision Song Contest
Sixty extraordinary years of Eurovision, from Céline Dion to Dustin the Turkey, from Abba to Conchita Wurst - the drag acts, the bad acts and all the nul points heroes.For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word 'la' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark's Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say 'cut' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey.This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.
£10.99
Little, Brown Book Group The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes - an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush ...if she got any of them.
£12.99
Little, Brown Book Group The Mammoth Book of One-Liners
A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'
£12.99
Ebury Publishing Brain Dump: Become a Genius on the Loo
Also works well as emergency loo roll.While you're not going anywhere, why not expand your mind with Brain Dump?Learn thousands of fascinating facts, stats and trivia. Guaranteed to boost your brain, this bumper compendium covers every subject from football to phobias, mountains to the Muppets and spiders to Shakespeare.It features hundreds of mind-blowing entries from Types of Cloud to the Longest Song Titles. And it's not just for the bathroom but the bedroom too! Struggling to sleep? Turn to the Fascinating Facts About Sheep and other gems to tire and train your brain. Zzzzzzzzzz…..Printed on soft absorbent paper for emergencies.
£16.99
Ad Lib Publishers Ltd 1001 One-Liners
Short, quick-fire jokes have been popular for centuries. Indeed the world’s oldest surviving joke book, the Philogelos, which was written in Ancient Greek, contains this classic doctor joke: Patient: “Doctor! When I wake up I’m all dizzy. Then after half an hour I feel fine.” Doctor: “Well, wait half an hour before waking up.” Meanwhile in Rome, they had a gag for every occasion, from senate orations and lavish feasts to throwing Christians to the lions. A Cicero stand-up gig was the hottest ticket in town. Shakespeare readily slipped one-liners into his comedies, while medieval jesters used pithy quips to amuse the royal court, well aware that if the joke backfired and somehow offended the monarch, their next audience might be with the executioner. “Dying on stage” carried a more sinister meaning for comedians in those days. It’s not hard to see why one-liners remain in vogue with today’s comedians. They are easy to remember, quick to deliver and if one gag dies on its feet, the next is waiting in the wings, hopefully to a better reception. Here is a compilation of the best one-liners around – a heady mix of old and new favourites, Dad jokes, thoughtful musings, corny puns and witty observations, covering a vast range of topics from Families to Fish, Money to Music, Relationships to Religion and Technology to Travel. They can be used to brighten up business conferences where the delegates are as tired as the sandwiches; dinner parties where the conversation is threatening to slide into a discussion about spreadsheets; seemingly interminable Zoom calls; and, of course, speeches at weddings that are so emotional that even the cake is in tiers.
£8.42
Ebury Publishing The Very British Quiz Book: How d’you make a proper cup of tea? (and 720 other essential questions)
Will you be flummoxed by this Great British distraction?Do you know queuing etiquette? Twenty-one different ways to describe rain? Then this quiz book might be just your cup of tea.Politely challenge yourself, your family and your friends with questions on British culture, language, etiquette, of course, the weather, as well as lots of other essential, quintessential British subjects. Each quiz comprises 21 questions and answers are based on the real results from national surveys and polls. Hours of brain-bamboozling fun for all the family!
£9.99
Little, Brown Book Group The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events: From Gravy Wrestling in Lancashire to Wife Carrying in Finland
When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd. This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships. Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving. Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.
£11.69
Little, Brown Book Group 100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden
Stocking a garden with plants can be an expensive business, so there are few things more frustrating than when the prized specimen for which you have paid a king's ransom either online or at a garden centre shrivels up and dies within a year or so of purchase. If you can prove that the plant was half-dead when it arrived, you may able to obtain a refund from some online retailers, but for the most part you have to put it down to experience and make a firm mental note not to buy fussy plants in future.The problem is that many websites and catalogues claim that everything they stock is easy to grow. Herbaceous perennials are a particular minefield. Too often you are told that a certain plant 'will come back year after year' without fail when in reality it is either so tender that the only chance of it surviving an average British winter is in a greenhouse or it is a short-lived perennial that is unlikely to flourish beyond two years anyway - and even then only if the local slugs and snails are on a diet. This book cuts through the horticultural sales pitches by listing 100 plants which, for little care beyond the essential watering at planting time, can reliably be expected to thrive in just about any garden. These plants are all but indestructible - pests give them a wide berth, they will prosper in any reasonable garden soil and will withstand anything that the UK climate throws at them. Divided into sections for shrubs, conifers, climbers, perennials, grasses, annuals, alpines and bulbs and with each entry having a Value For Money (VFM) rating out of 10, this easy-to-use guide will prove invaluable not only for the new gardener but also for old hands who are fed up with wasting time and money on plants that all too rapidly lose the will to live. With these suggestions, you can be assured of year-round colour and interest in your garden for the minimum of effort.
£7.19
Little, Brown Book Group The World's 100 Weirdest Museums: From the Moist Towelette Museum in Michigan to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb
When we think of the world's great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person's crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world's 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan's Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world's only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great's collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar?Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world's leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.
£10.99
Michael O'Mara Books Ltd New Year, Same You
What is it about the term ‘wellness’ that sets your teeth on edge? Do you really need someone to come in and help you declutter? Can you truly practice mindful meditation on the train to work every morning? If the answer to all these questions is a resounding ‘no’, then take heart, you’re not alone.What is life without struggle? Everyone knows it’s impossible to float through life on a fluffy pillow of happiness; it just isn’t like that. As Alan Coren once said, ‘To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.’ Hear hear! This book is for those who look at life from a different angle, not wearing rose-tinted glasses with their glass half full, but for life’s realists: the folk who believe one should never go to bed angry … much better to stay awake and plot your revenge.In New Year, Same You you’ll find lots of laugh-out-loud humour to brighten your day (or not). Filled with words from the wise, this is the perfect book for grumps everywhere, after all, why make one person unhappy when, with a little more thought and effort, you could spread misery to the entire family?
£9.99
HarperCollins Publishers Royalty's Strangest Tales
A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to the master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We’ll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited – and sometimes kidnapped – the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans.
£7.99
Little, Brown Book Group The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes
The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.
£12.99
Ebury Publishing The Cockney Rhyming Slang Dictionary
The classic pocket guide to the language of London. This wonderful little guide to cockney rhyming slang contains over 1,700 old and new rhymes translated from Cockney to English and English to Cockney, including:Custard and jelly - tellyHot cross bun - nunLemon tart - smartRock ’n’ roll - doleSticky toffee - coffee...and many more. Master the art of the Cockney rhyme and discover the Cockney origins of common British phrases.
£7.15
Little, Brown Book Group I Wish I Hadn't Said That: Over 3,000 Famous Foot-in-Mouth Moments
Ever since Mrs Malaprop first took to the stage in 1775 and described a gentleman as 'the very pineapple of politeness', some famous figures have become better known for their slips of the tongue than for anything they said intentionally. In particular, the careers of a number of broadcasters, sporting figures and politicians have become defined by their verbal blunders. Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle is remembered solely for making unfortunate remarks such as 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.' Welsh naturalist Iolo Williams sent Twitter into meltdown when, discussing diving sea birds on Springwatch 2016, he asked a female conservationist: 'Is that the deepest shag you've ever had?' Even respected sports broadcaster Harry Carpenter was probably haunted forever by his seemingly innocent comment at the end of the 1977 Boat Race: 'Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' I WISH I HADN'T SAID THAT is a collection of over 3,000 spoken and written blunders - including unintentional double entendres, spoonerisms, mixed metaphors, malapropisms, jaw-dropping remarks, misguided quiz show answers, embarrassing newspaper misprints, and foreign signs and notices that have sadly become lost in translation.
£10.99
Ebury Publishing The Ultimate Cockney Geezer's Guide to Rhyming Slang
Would you Adam and Eve it? Over a hundred years after it was first heard on the streets of Ye Olde London Towne, Cockney rhyming slang is still going strong, and this book contains the most comprehensive and entertaining guide yet.Presented in an easy-to-read A to Z format, it explains the meaning of hundreds of terms, from old favourites such as apples and pears (stairs) and plates of meat (feet) to the more obscure band of hope (soap) and cuts and scratches (matches) through to modern classics such as Anthea Turner (earner) and Ashley Cole (own goal), as well as providing fascinating background info and curious Cockney facts throughout. Also included are a series of language tests so that readers can brush up on their newfound knowledge on their way to becoming a true Cockney Geezer.All in all, The Ultimate Cockney Geezer's Guide to Rhyming Slang is well worth your bread and honey to have a butcher's.
£9.99