Description
Book SynopsisYou can''t say that to me! Can''t you do anything right? I can''tbelieve you would feed that junk to your child! What is this? Anddon''t tell me it''s a casserole, I already know that. If youreally cared about me, you wouldn''t behave this way. Soundfamiliar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of veryunpleasant language from those who are closest to us--spouses,employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use ofunanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm,insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant;it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalatingarguments and physical violence. Suzette Haden Elgin, creator ofthe Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, has developed a unique andrevolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence andeliminate it from your life--without ruining your marriage, riskingyour job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows youhow to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abusewith:
Table of ContentsHow to use this Book xv
Introduction 1
Why do we put up with it? 3
Your Personal Verbal Abuse Survey 6
Step 1: Recognizing the source of the problem 9
Scenario One 9
What’s going on here? 9
What goes wrong – and why? 13
What to do about it: Using Miller’s Law 17
Dialogues for analysis 19
Another look at Scenario One 21
Step 1 Backup 25
Sight Bites 29
Step 2: Recognizing the source of the solution 31
Scenario Two 31
What’s going on here? 32
The Basics – Defining our terms 34
What to do about it: Awareness 43
Another look at Scenario Two 49
Step 2 Backup 52
Sight Bites 54
Step 3: Recognizing that you already have everything you need to put an end to verbal violence in your life 56
Scenario Three 56
What’s going on here? 58
The grammar of verbal violence 67
What to do about it: choosing your communication strategy 68
Another look at Scenario Three 71
Step 3 Backup 75
Sight Bites 80
Step 4: Recognizing that you are an expert in your language 81
Scenario Four 81
What’s going on here? 83
You are an expert in your language 85
What to do about it: giving up the myths about verbal abuse 89
Another look at Scenario Four 91
Step 4 Backup 95
Sight Bites 102
Step 5: Understanding the two goals of verbal self-defense 104
Scenario Five 104
What’s going on here? 106
Why it matters: The link between verbal and physical violence 108
What to do about it: Recognizing abusive language 110
Another look at Scenario Five 116
Step 5 Backup 119
Sight Bites 122
Step 6: Deciding never to participate in verbal violence – and following through 125
Scenario Six 125
What’s going on here? 127
The problem of following through 129
What to do about it: Dealing with English verbal attack patterns 137
Another look at Scenario Six 140
Step 6 Backup 143
Sight Bites 146
Step 7 Maintaining your own healthy language environment 147
Scenario Seven 147
What’s going on here? 148
Language behavior is contagious 149
What to do about it: Using the Satir modes 151
Another look at Scenario Seven 160
Step 7 Backup 162
Sight Bites 167
Step 8: Taking responsibility for your own language and its consequences 168
Scenario Eight 168
What’s going on here? 169
What to do about it: Taking responsibility 171
One more technique: Following the language traffic rules 173
Another look at Scenario eight 177
Step 8 Backup 182
Sight Bite 183
Conclusion 185
The unifying metaphor in verbal abuse 186
What to do about it 186
Sight Bites 192
Bibliography 193
Index to backup material 203
Index 205
