Description
Book SynopsisThis book explores the unique group of elders, age 55 and older, who practice some form of consensual non-monogamy. It covers both the joys and challenges of multiple relationships for elders. Poly elders have the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as managing all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities (their own and/or their partners’), caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives, grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners, retiring from careers and starting new lives, and/or moving into some form of senior living.
Elders appear to be the fastest-growing segment of the polyamorous community. About one-fifth of Americans have been in a polyamorous relationship at some point, and around 5% currently are practicing it. Many elders have practiced polyamory for over 40 years, and are currently in stable, very long-term relationships.
The book provides anecdotes from poly elders’ lives, including the constellation of relationships surrounding each individual, couple, or triad. It explores how their relationships develop and evolve. Many of the issues that face older poly folks are issues directly related to aging, but they usually have a uniquely poly "spin" to them that can make them more complex and challenging.
Trade ReviewAs a Relational Therapist who works with polyamorous clients, I was delighted to read Polyamorous Elders. This book offers a comprehensive and evidence-based guide to better understand the lived experiences of aging polyamorous folks. After reading Polyamorous Elders, I believe that practitioners will be more equipped to facilitate effective individual and relational therapeutic services to polyamorous clients.
-- Carling Mashinter, MSc, registered psychotherapist, Relationship Matters Therapy Centre
Having enjoyed Kathy Labriola's previous work, I was delighted to read her latest. She approaches polyamorous relationships with an accessible, thoughtful, and deft sense of compassion and thorough research.
-- Rosie Wilby, author of Is Monogamy Dead? and The Breakup Monologues
This text is a readable and engaging look into the lives of polyamorous elders. It is suitable for researchers or clinical practitioners hoping to apply the work, but would also serve well as an entranceway for academics and students investigating sex and aging and looking for more data and overall consideration of polyamorous relationships. A timely topic deserving of more attention.
-- Jeanne Marie Kusina, interim director of The Center for Excellence in Teaching and Learning; Distinguished University Lecturer, The University of Toledo
This book is engaging, accessible, expansive, and detailed. Obviously, it helps that the topic is fascinating, but Labriola presents these issues and cases in a straightforward and non-judgmental fashion. I routinely had my assumptions challenged even though I consider myself open-minded and have studied polyamory and human sexuality for several years. The strengths of this text include the author's expertise and clinical experience, the broad variety of polyamorous relationships presented, sympathetic attention to their challenges, and the good faith effort to honor intersectionality so as to sufficiently represent as many polyamorous people and relationships as possible.
-- Albert Spencer, Communications Director, Society for the Advancement of American Philosophy and assistant professor, Department of Philosophy, Portland State University
This book uniquely considers the special needs and outlook of people 55+ who identify as polyamorous. Not just an overview or a self-help book, the approach and information are very well-supported from the author's deep knowledge of polyamory, polyamorous communities, and her ongoing work with aging clients.
-- Annalisa Castaldo, associate professor of English, Director of Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies, Widener University
This is an essential guide for counselors, therapists and healthcare professionals working with polyamorous clients. The author has managed to address so many issues, from sex life to retirement to facing death and grief, and has done so insightfully, drawing on several case studies. As a family therapist and an openly polyamorous person over 50, I am thrilled to see this book finally out in the world!
-- Alex Iantaffi, PhD, MS, SEP, CST, LMFT, award-winning author of Gender Trauma: Healing Cultural, Social, and Historical Gendered Trauma and independent scholar
In Polyamous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships, Kathy Labriola gives us an intimate window into the lives of older individuals whose zest for life still burns bright. Whether for love, sex, companionship or all of the above, older individuals know they have earned the right to choose the path that fits them best and enables them to enjoy levels of satisfaction and bliss that often elude the younger and less experienced. My wish for you, dear reader, is that these personal stories will inspire you to live your life to its very fullest regardless of your age.
-- Veronica Monet, ACS, author, coach, and founder of The Shame Free Zone
As both an aspiring “polygeezer” and CNM (consensual non-monogamy) psychologist, this volume spoke to my heart and my practice. Labriola’s work opens up the often untold stories of polyamorous elders and allows us to learn from their lived experiences and worlds. The accounts Labriola shares are multifaceted and honest portrayals of the distinct challenges polyamorous elders face and the ways that they are navigated!
-- Elizabeth Duke, PsyD
Table of ContentsIntroduction
What is the Prevalence of Polyamory Among Elders?
“The Greatest Generation” and the “Baby Boomers”
Intersectionality and Poly Elders
Studies that Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders
Research Methods
The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders
Part I: What Challenges are Most Common for Poly Geezers?
Chapter 1: First of All, Sex!
The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Elise
The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers
Joshua’s Story
Ginny’s story
Case Study #2: Danilo
Case Study #3: Anastasia
Jesse’s story
Case Study #4: Libby
Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging
Case Study #5: Jake and Nora
Case Study #6: Joseph
Case Study #7: Sita
Marilyn’s Story
Case Study #8: Lise
Jana’s Story
Being Poly can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions
Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes
Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim
Chapter 2: Some Poly People Shift to Monogamy as They Age
Case Study #1: Mary and Gene
Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart
Case Study #3: Terry and Randy
Chapter 3: Poly Elders and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction?
What’s Sex Go to Do With It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, But Without the Sex!
Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel
Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie
Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael
Case Study #4: LaRhonda and Beeandra
Chapter 4: The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples
Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry
Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar
Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger
Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre
Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam
The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women
Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono/Poly Relationship
Case Study #6: Shirley:
Case Study #7: Hazel
A Few Other Older Women’s “Short Takes” on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships
Chapter 5: Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids
Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie
Case Study #2: Jon
Chapter 6: Older People Who Were “Poly Before Polyamory Was Invented”
Case Study #1: Harry and Hope
Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff
Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino
Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal
Chapter 7: Conflicts Over a Partner’s Adult Children and/or Grandchildren
Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim
Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger
Part II: Retirement and Its Effects on Polyamorous Relationships
Chapter 8: When One Person is Already Retired and the Other Eventually Decides to Retire
Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja
Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen
Chapter 9: When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners are Still Working
Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita
Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue
Chapter 10: Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management
Dan’s Story
Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills
John’s Story
Case Study #1 Blanche
Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha
Are Elders Good at Polyamory or is Polyamory Good for Elders?
Chapter 11: Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities
Ricardo and Maria’s Story
Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad
Part III: When Poly Elders Want (or Need) to Move into Senior Living Facilities
Chapter 12: Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing
Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy
Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell
Case Study #3: Miriam
Stan and Martin’s Story
Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie
Chapter 13: What are the Options for Polys in Senior Living?
Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron?
Elder Care Professionals’ Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities
Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities
Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray
Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki
Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option
Part IV: Poly Geezers Coping with Health Problems and Disabilities
Chapter 14: The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships
Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona
Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships
Katie’s Story
Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan
Tanika and Katherine’s Story
Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art
Paul’s Story
Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie
Chapter 15: Care-Giving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives
“Younger Elders” with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents
Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia
Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue
Remi’s Story
No “one right answer” for caring for elderly parents
Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank
Case Study #4: Robbie
Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving
Chapter 16: Additional Advantages for Poly Elders through Caregiving, Grief and Mourning
Kate, Gustav, and Phillip’s Story
Chapter 17: Twenty-First Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID
How are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19?
Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris
The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID
Case Study #2: Myrna
Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie
Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June
Marlene and Mary’s Story
Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris
Anita’s Story
Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley
Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic
Blythe’s Story
Sumati Sparks’ Pandemic Dating Advice
Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina
Internet Dating May Morph into Dating IRL (In Real Life)
Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee
Chapter 18: Poly Mutual Aid: Elders’ Polycules Come Through for Them During the Pandemic
Rashida’s story
Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara
Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from their Polycules
Case Study #2: Lei
Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan
Poly Elders’ Experience with Grief and Loss During the Pandemic
Liliana’s Story
Parting Words on the COVID Pandemic and Poly Elders
Part V: Polyamory and the Developmental Tasks of Aging
Chapter 19: What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?
Case Study #1: Hans and Meg
Chapter 20: Poly Geezers Creating a New Life “Post-Career and Post-Kids”
Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise
Chapter 21: Life Review as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola
Coles’ Story
Case Study #2: Debbie
Chapter 22: Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality
Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela
Case Study #2: Alonzo
Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John
Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie
Poly Elders’ Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging
Chapter 23: Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families
Advance Health Care Directives
Durable Power of Attorney
Wills
Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys
Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship
Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care
Marta’s Story
Poly Elders Need to Talk About “The Three D’s”—Disability, Death, and Divorce
Chapter 24: A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study
Appendix I: List of Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory
(Compiled by Sonia Song)
References
Index
About the Author
