Description
Book SynopsisKnowing where your scars come from doesn’t make them go away. When Jackie Shannon Hollis marries Bill, a man who does not want children, she joyfully commits to a childless life. But soon after the wedding, she returns to the family ranch in rural Oregon and holds her newborn niece. Jackie falls deep into baby love and longing and begins to question her decision. As she navigates the overlapping roles of wife, daughter, aunt, sister, survivor, counselor, and friend, she explores what it really means to choose a different path.
This Particular Happiness delves into the messy and beautiful territory of what we keep and what we abandon to make the space for love.
Trade Review“This Particular Happiness, is a deeply moving story about Jackie Shannon Hollis’s decades-long yearning to have a child—and her complicated decision not to. But it’s also about so much more than that. With honesty, generosity, precision and insight, Hollis writes the story of her life—from her girlhood in rural Oregon, where she both broke and followed the rules, to her hard-earned self-acceptance at middle age.
This Particular Happiness is a gloriously wise memoir about one woman’s unexpected path to becoming.”
—Cheryl Strayed, author of
Wild "This deeply engaging memoir wrestles with one of the most important questions of all:
Why do we want what we want? Jackie Shannon Hollis explores how her own desires have been shaped by a culture that celebrates 'mother' more than any other role for women, and the possibilities that open up when she chooses not to play the role. A vibrant, absorbing, intimate book."
—Leni Zumas, author of
Red Clocks "We all know that having a child changes everything, but so, too, does not having one, and in Hollis’s brave, moving memoir, she explores the bliss, the yearning, the making peace with a life she and her partner chose (and didn't choose), and how happiness takes on shapes we can never imagine. The perfect book for anyone contemplating motherhood—or not!"
--Caroline Leavitt,
New York Times bestselling author of
Pictures of You "This Particular Happiness examines the particularly female journey—how and where do we make room for love? And whether lover, wife, mother, or daughter, how can we be our most authentic selves? Jackie Shannon Hollis explores this rich terrain with clarity and courage, in spare and lovely prose evocative of the high plains landscape and fertile farmland she hails from."
—Jennie Shortridge, author of
Love Water Memory “An ideal memoirist. Her prose is honest and open; she presents herself, with all her shortcomings, in the same direct light as her other characters.”
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The Oregonian “Jackie Shannon Hollis takes a topic that is typically whispered about and stares at it unflinchingly: a woman’s decision whether or not to have children. She questions the cultural conditioning (told by movies, television, and our families), along with her own biological and emotional responses, that a childless woman is failing to fulfill her destiny. What she excavates during this psychological dig is the truth that what makes any woman’s life successful is the woman herself. A powerful book for both genders and any sexual orientation.”
—Kate Carroll de Gutes, author of
The Authenticity Experiment “Sit down. Make tea. Hold
This Particular Happiness by Jackie Shannon Hollis in your hands and read it slowly because she has written you a love letter. Maybe the intimacy in this prose comes from the tender way she observes. Maybe it’s the lyrical prose flexing, revealing the complicated choices one couple makes under the pressures of small towns, big events, changing times, and the relentless pursuit of understanding. Surely, it’s her writing that captures her wanting that is as open as the wheat country that formed her. In this love letter, you will find your own ‘beautiful ache.’”
—Kate Gray, author of
Carry the Sky “In This Particular Happiness, Jackie mines the depths of who she is and how she wants to be in this complicated world. She doesn't settle for the obvious path, and even though there's some disappointment and heartbreak, she learns how to love and be loved in just the way she wants. This book is a celebration of living life using your own damn map.”
—Yuvi Zalkow, author of
A Brilliant Novel in the Works “This Particular Happiness claims an important place in the conversation about what it means to be female, especially a female who doesn’t follow the script written by a traditional rural family. Written in honest and intimate chapters, this stunning debut memoir is ultimately a love letter to the power of choice. It is sure to be a must read for every young woman contemplating a childless future, and a few older women wishing they could be granted a do-over.”
—Sheila Hamilton, author of
All the Things We Never Knew “This Particular Happiness is the eloquent unfolding of Jackie Shannon Hollis’s lifelong understanding of and relationship to her own body: what it could do for her, how it could be used against her, and, ultimately, how she claimed it as her own. Her prose is both achingly beautiful and precise, underscoring the journey of discovering integrity to oneself, and the promise of true love.”
--Liz Prato, author of
Volcanoes, Palm Trees, and Privilege: Essays on Hawaii “This book drew me in from the very first scene and gave me what I want in a memoir: the opportunity to see inside a very particular experience as well as to ponder big questions. What blend of family, culture, and personality inform our expectations? What do we seek from love and intimacy? How do we build defenses against trauma? How do we change? Hollis writes with a clarity and rhythm that makes the reading easy going even as she covers difficult and complex territory. The artful interweaving of storylines and time periods reveals a hard-won wisdom. Any person who has wondered about the path not taken—especially as it relates to child-rearing—will find themselves riveted.”
—Zoe Zolbrod, author of
The Telling “Jackie Shannon Hollis’s
This Particular Happiness doesn’t keep secrets. It’s bare-naked honest. What a relief. Another sparkling moment of honesty, what we need, what we crave, what we try to remember.”
—Leanne Grabel, author of
Brontosaurus: Memoir of a Sex LifeTable of ContentsI. THE SHOUT OF MOTHERHOOD
1. THE WOMAN THINGS
2. WE PRACTICED, WE PRETENDED
3. GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
4. FLICKER SHADOWS
5. THIS UNLOOSED THING
6. A PLACE TO SLIP THROUGH
7. THE KNOWING WAS IN ME
8. A PLACE FOR A GIRL
9. LEAVING DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GONE FROM YOU
II. MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE ME HAPPY
10. FALLING APART
11. THE MAN HE WILL BE
12. THINGS TO DO WHEN I FALL APART
13. IMPORTANT THINGS TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTERS
14. LIKE A BADGE, LIKE A STAR
15. THE MUDDY GROUND
16. CLEARLY, BOLDLY, NO APOLOGIES
17. LIKE I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING
18. RED DAYS CIRCLED
19. ANOTHER THING TO DO WHEN I FALL APART
20. GET A GLOW ON
21. LEFT AS IT WAS IT WOULD COME APART
22. THE LAST THING TO DO WHEN I FALL APART
23. THIS IMPORTANT WEIGHT
24. SHINY BOWS OF BLUE AND SILVER
25. HIS PLACE OF BETTER SUNSETS
26. LIKE AN UNASKED PRAYER
27. SECRETS AND CALCULATIONS
28. HIS DREAM CHILD
29. THE QUESTION OF MY FUTURE
30. PRECIOUS THINGS
31. RED INK AND SIDE NOTES
32. ON THE WAY TO A GROWN-UP LIFE
33. FAULT LINE
34. THINGS THAT COME IN THREES
35. STAND UP AND CARRY ON
36. LIGHT IN THE CHAPEL
37. ROOTS TOOK HOLD AND RAN THE LENGTH OF MY BODY
38. OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN
39. CRAZY MAZES
40. THE TIMING WAS RIGHT, I WAS ALMOST SURE
III. A FULL STOP AT THE CORNER
41. WHAT WE KNEW BY NOW
42. THE THINGS PEOPLE THINK
43. THE SYMBOLS OF MY NAME
44. THIS WAS NEW, THIS WAS SCARY, I WANTED MORE
45. AN UGLY, MESSY, HURTFUL THING
46. CONDITIONAL SURRENDER
47. THE PLACE WHERE UNGIVEN LOVE IS HELD
48. THE HEART OF A WITNESS
49. ALL OUT, ALL IN, ALL OVER
50. NO BELTS FOR SAFETY
51. A FULL STOP AT THE CORNER
IV. WHAT COMES WHEN WANTING STOPS
52. MAKE A LIST
53. A WHOLE LOT OF PERFECTION
54. MAYBE A LOVE SOUND, MAYBE A HEARTBREAK
55. THE TURN TO MY HOUSE
56. LANGUAGE I COULD SPEAK SO EASILY
57. THE DAYS OF EASY FALLING
58. HOW EASILY I COULD HURT
59. IN A NEW COUNTRY
60. I DO, NO MATTER WHAT
61. WHAT COMES WHEN WANTING STOPS
62. THE BALANCE OF THINGS
63. THAT LOVE WAS A MEMORY, TOO
64. THIS MOMENT
65. FAULTS CRACKED OPEN
66. THIS PARTICULAR HAPPINESS
67. TEMPORARY ALLOGRAFT
68. MOST OF THE TIME, THIS IS ENOUGH
69. TINY TADPOLES OF LIFE
70. A CURE FOR HIVES
71. BABYLAND
